I am programmed to be a passionate person who puts 110% into everything I do. I am smiley and over enthusiastic in everything I do!! (Illustrated here by excessive use of exclamation marks).
Sadly these attributes are not massively helpful when lack of energy/spoons (if you havent heard about the spoonie revolution google it-it helps make sense of energy issues with chronic illness).
I know that I have to be careful about how much I do. When I am sick or flared up I have no choice, my body puts its foot down, the world starts to spin/fade to grey and I have to lie down when my limit is reached. (Currently this is where I am. Mid rest, horizontal at 2.45pm).
The problem arises ironically when I am well. I am reassured when I butt up against my evil symptoms. It sounds weird, but I will often do AS MUCH AS I CAN and the symptoms I get (which I usually ignore) reinforce the all important diagnoses for my paranoid inner psyche to digest and ruminate over. Before I got flared up this time, I realised I was pushing through to that gritty place (you know where you have to muster every ounce of energy and will power) just to get through every day. Not good. You have to get on with things when you feel unwell when you have a chronic illness, I took that to mean ignore them… I need to find the middle ground. I’m rubbish at middle ground. Pacing-being measured and disciplined in what I choose to do and how I do it goes against my natural inclinations, but it is something I need to master to get the most out of my life.
I think I need to believe in my diagnoses to the point where I don’t push myself everyday. This all comes down to accepting me as I am now, not what I wanted me to be now/what I thought I would be now, but me with my illnesses. But also trusting myself-no I am not making a big deal out of nothing, no it’s not going to go away, I know what I am doing more than anyone-i can’t look for look for validation from anywhere (I won’t find it). Trust that I know your own body and what it needs and listen to it.
‘listen to your body when it whispers, then it won’t need to shout’
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